My first husband and I were awful to each other. I cringe when I think of the things we said. More than that; how we fought and belittled each other in front of friends and colleagues.
I promised myself that I would never do that to another partner again. I don’t keep quiet, but I no longer attack in public.
I have the sharpest tongue and a foul temper. When I lose it, I feel as if I am out of my body watching the train wreck about to happen. I can feel myself thinking this is not going to end well, that I should shut up, but for some reason I just can’t stop it.
I’ve always been the fearless teller of necessary truths, but as has recently been pointed out to me, I am very blunt.
What was really said was that I am incredibly generous, but hardly ever kind. I tell the truth as uncomfortable as that is. I offend and anger. I’m not sure it always needs to be said.
No wonder I have such a small circle of friends. I am trying to be better at having hard conversations without being unkind. Sarcasm is my go-to weapon of choice.
The one thing I’ve learnt out here in the North-West is that sarcasm is completely misunderstood. If the work hasn’t been completed and we’re about to miss a deadline, I’ve said “That’s okay we’ll all just go home early and leave the job”.
Everyone packs up and goes home, because that’s what I said. It’s a little wonder I haven’t had a stroke yet.
In a relationship it get’s even harder to negotiate and talk about the hard things.
I’ve been known to leave notes around the house (scullery, washing basket and toilet roll holder) which say ‘Which %^&*ing fairy?’ Because somehow my partner and the children think there is a fairy that magically washes the dishes and does the washing.
Don’t get me started on toilet paper! I saw a social media post by Dr Marina Rosenthal who makes some suggestions on what to say to your partner instead of saying “Listen here you dump, you can …..!!!” This is what she had to say about how to respond when someone has said something that hurt your feelings.
“Ouch, that stung a little. Any chance you can rephrase it? Thinking about it with my temper this can go one of two ways. First out of the starting blocks is something sarcastic and cutting. Bad Sharon. I do need to try to be kinder. The kind way to approach and say something to someone who didn’t show up for you.
“I really needed you to do X for me today, like we talked about, and I feel disappointed and sad that it didn’t happen.”
This one I have used. It worked a charm, especially with some parental guilt thrown in. More often than not I just do what needs to be done and then sulk that no one helped! I’m not very good at this kind thing. What to say when you broke a promise. I try never to promise and if I do, I will break my back trying to keep it. I can see this one massaging a peace settlement.
If you’ve broken a promise best you say: “I know I said I would do X, and I didn’t. I can explain why, but before I do I want to acknowledge that I didn’t keep my word here, and that it is not fair to you.”
I can see this working only if you’re not a serial promise breaker. After the third promise, nobody cares any more. Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I don’t know why we don’t.”
This last tip on how to deal with difficult topics works fantastically. My one son and I are peas in a pod and when we get into it, we really get into it. In the past couple of years, I have used this technique to great effect and have saved us both heartache and dignity.
When things get so bad that you can’t keep talking to them right now.
* This conversation is important and I’m not doing it justice. I need to stop and calm down. I will be ready to keep talking tomorrow afternoon after work. The secret is then to stop and walk away. Don’t send messages, slam doors or whatever else you do in that situation. Take yourself off to the naughty corner and take a break.
Sleep on it. Somehow, it’s never as bad as it was the day before.
Having written this article, I can see just how much of a bitch I am. I think it’s time to change. I am going to be kinder in my approach. I’ll let you know how it goes.
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