It is Christmas time and families will be gathering this weekend for their traditional celebrations.
For some, it will be the first time seeing certain relatives since last December.
And while we may love catching up with our loved ones and even spending a few days with them, there is always bound to be some sort of conflict, even if only between one or two people.
Very few families are without their problems and sometimes being forced into togetherness by the festive season brings these issues to the surface. It is very common for family members to still see us as we used to be way back in the past instead of how we are now, and that in itself is a source of conflict.
Other friction could be new, with spontaneous differences in opinion arising from things as simple as house rules made by the one in whose home everyone is invited, the way children behave or are treated or parented, and even who may not have made enough of a contribution to cooking Christmas meals or buying gifts.
Ultimately, there is a good chance that Christmas and festive celebrations could result in family drama. So here are some tips to either stay out of it, resolve it, or stop it from arising in the first place.
1. Set clear boundaries
In an article published on counselling-directory.org.za, Ian Stockbridge, a counsellor with the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists and the National Counselling Society, says it is important to set clear boundaries before the family get-together.
“Whether this is how long you’ll spend together, who is responsible for what, or an outlined plan for the festivities, understanding each other's expectations is vital for preventing conflict.
“If there are conversations you are worried about having or there is existing conflict, try clearing the air by talking in advance. It could be helpful to meet/open dialogue, in a more relaxed environment before Christmas, in an attempt to resolve the situation.”
When trying to resolve disagreements, he advises that you listen fully and allow the other person to have their say. People get frustrated when they are not given time to share how they feel. If they feel heard, they are better able to listen to how you feel.
“Try using ‘I’ statements to say how you feel. For example ‘I am upset’ or ‘I feel really hurt when’, is less confrontational than ‘you are upsetting me’ or ‘you have hurt me’. If you are unable to resolve the situation alone, it might be worth considering family therapy, which can help you work through deeper issues.”
2. Be aware of how you communicate
The language and tone that you use when talking to your relatives can either help improve communication or make it worse. If conflict arises, ensure that the way you respond to others or talk to them is not insulting, sarcastic, or disrespectful. Be clear, concise, and open so as to avoid any misunderstandings.
It also helps to be objective and keep your emotions in check, even though this may not be easy, especially because strong emotions or power imbalances are experienced more during family conflicts. This is because we are more closely invested in these relationships.
Therefore, don’t let anger cloud your judgement and make sure you listen instead of merely react.
3. Keep out of the drama by staying busy
If the family get-together is irking you or certain people are trying to drag you into their arguments, there is no reason you need to stay there. Instead of forcing yourself to spend long periods of time with your family, break your time up by finding other useful things to do. This could be done by keeping hidden in the kitchen and cooking, leaving to do something for yourself – like going for a walk or run, or even just excusing yourself and heading home before tensions start to flare.
“There are all sorts of clever ways of creating reasons to take some time out,” says Rachel Davies, a counsellor at UK counselling organisation Relate, adding that this could include things like being the one who walks the dog or finds a late-night garage to buy some milk.
“It's important just get a break from the pressure from each other.”
4. Focus on what you can control
You are only responsible for your own behaviour – it’s impossible to control what other family members do and say. Unless we are parenting kids, other people’s behaviour is not our responsibility, says counsellor at Relationships Australia NSW, Sandra Martel-Acworth.
“If someone is behaving in a negative or upsetting way, take a moment to think about how you will respond rather than getting caught up in a heated situation. Ask yourself: ‘If I say this or behave like this, how will I feel about it later?’
“Validate your own emotions throughout the day by saying phrases to yourself such as, ‘It makes sense that I’m feeling frustrated by my sister’s actions’ and ‘I will get through today’.”
Something she says that you may have some control over, is the schedule of family gatherings that you host.
“Try building in time-out. You may need to channel your inner rebel and challenge the ‘perfect’ Christmas image of everyone having to be together all the time.”
She also suggests you build in walks and activities that get the dopamine flowing and allow yourself some time to self-soothe if you are struggling.
“You could even break some gatherings into smaller, shorter events if some family gatherings are likely to be stressful.”
5. Be an observer
It can be helpful to act as an ‘observer’ in challenging family situations or events, she adds, explaining that, when you find yourself getting caught up in family dynamics, take a step back and observe the situation with curiosity.
“Pay attention to your own emotions and try to be accepting of them. Think about what you appreciate about each person and consider why they might be behaving the way they are. This isn’t the same thing as excusing their poor behaviour or ignoring the personal boundaries you have set. But trying to be empathetic and seeking to understand what makes someone tick can help us be more patient with them. It can also help you not take things personally, even if you don’t see eye to eye.”
The holiday season can be challenging for many reasons, but by checking your expectations, setting boundaries, focusing on what you can control, and practising mindful observing, Martel-Acworth says you can get through Christmas with a little more ease.
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