Violence is insidious in that it is not always physical. A person who bears scars or bruises can easily point to them to alert authorities that they have been attacked, but what happens with emotional abuse with its invisible scars?
Leigh de Wet, a counselling psychologist from Westville, KwaZulu-Natal defined this type of abuse in a relationship setting as any strategy that a person implements to control their victim, making their target be beholden to them, doing whatever they want.
“This implies that there is intention and maliciousness behind the abuser’s actions. However, it is important to understand that how a person was raised affects them,” De Wet said.
“They may have been brought up in a home where they were parented in an emotionally abuse way,” she said.
“So, they might not realise that the strategies they are using could be emotionally abusive... The intention maybe unconscious. Emotional abusive has a spectrum; from non malicious through to intentional and malicious.”
She added that an example of this could be intimidation, using aggressive body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, threats and any form of behaviour that can make one doubt themselves.
“This also includes any behaviour that humiliates or puts you down. This can happen in private or in front of people. Gaslighting (making you doubt your reality) is also sign. However, it is deliberate,” said De Wet.
“They can also make you feel stupid, laugh at you and belittle you. There can also be outright controlling behaviour for instance, telling you where you can and can not go, what you can and can not wear, what you can eat.”
Abuse can have a subtle start
De Wet added that emotional abuse can start subtly and can look like a person being ‘protective’ or being worried about your wellbeing.
However, at the end of the spectrum, it is clear as day. The abuser might want to know your whereabouts, whether you’re with people, if so, who? If they find out that you are with a person they do not approve of, abusers can feel a sense of betrayal.
They may say: “How could you? I trusted you! How dare you disobey me?”
De Wet explained that emotional abuse can be a risk factor for the physical sort.
“You need to listen to your gut. If someone makes you feel anxious or insecure in the way they interact with you, that is not a good sign. People often mistake anxiousness for butterflies and excitement.”
She explained that there is a world of a difference between someone expressing worry over you in a loving manner versus someone who will make you feel guilty, shameful or insecure.
“Unfortunately, emotional abuse is very common,” said the mental health expert.
“There are a lot of people out there who are anxious and insecure and so manifest that as emotional abuse.”
De Wet advised that there is one thing that is a must-have for someone who wants to leave such a situation, a social support network.
“You are going to need people to help you to realise whether your reality is accurate or not or your perception of reality. Emotionally abusive people often isolate you from others so you can’t check whether you are understanding things correctly,” she said.
“Once isolated, an abusive partner can create your reality for you. And you become completely at their control. So, a social support network is crucial, whether it be family, friends or formal structures like organisations such as People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA). There are also hotlines that you can call.”
If you or someone you know is suffering from gender-based violence, contact the Gender-Based Violence SA hotline on 0800 428 428.
South African Depression and Anxiety Group - 0800 567 567
Childline - 116
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